Sunday, October 15, 2006
I haven't got a clue what to say, I'm in a thoughtful mood tonight. I have got something I want to say, but I'm not sure exactly what it is even. When I turned 19 a few days ago, I thought to myself where I was last year at that time. I couldn't believe how much has happened since then and immediately started thinking Why didn't I appreciate being 18 more? The next thought, however, was that if I wasn't appreciating being 19, then when I hit 20 I'm going to have the same regret about my 19th year. Time is a funny thing. Life speeds by, but the pace that the moment has can seem incredibly slow. It just drives home the fact that the here and now isn't what it's all about. You know how a dream feels - you feel the moment, but never realize it? I'd imagine we do that in life most of the time, we wait so much in anticipation of things that don't really matter, and then when we have reached that point in time we start looking for thenext thing to wait for. I can't recall the number of times I've been waiting for something and then told myself Wait till it's over, it'll feel like no time has passed. Then I'd wait, the event would happen, and then I'd be left just like I was before. I think maybe the waiting part is bettter than the event. That helps me to be patient, even though I fall short in that area all of the time. If I wait for things, I'm going to find myself forever being disappointed when the object doesn't fulfill my desire. Instead, I ought to find joy in every moment God has given me and embrace his will for my life, not hopelessly flailing around trying to make things happen my way.
Ok, point #2! So much of this crazy dating/courtship/etc/etc discussion is making my head funny. So maybe I'm the only one who is discussing it a (I talk to myself a fair amount :p ) and it's not a real discussion but it's there all the same. I by no means have insight on this that no one else has, but for the sake of my poor brain and all of you who might glean some additional insight from my point of view, I'm going to spout. And yes, take heed the proverb, a fool delights in sharing his own opinion. Read at your own risk. I'm plain sick of feeling vulnerable. I guess that'd be saying I'm sick of being a female (ha!), but I think it's something a little different than that. In the past, I've been less than selective in what I've made the object of my attention. I made it a habit to fall for people and decided that if I gave someone attention, either visibly or just in my heart, that I could just make it over when I cared to and not worry about it. I didn't make a conscious choice to do this, it just came naturally. It was what my human heart desired. At some point, God called my heart and I gave my heart to him. My life changed, yes, but old habits die hard when you don't give them completely to God. Especially when most of society embraces the habit. Sometimes you don't realize it's a bad habit, either, which brings me to my point. I keep remembering over and over, All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial. Is it permissible for me to think of certain possibilities with certain men that I run into? Possibly, provided my thoughts don't fall into the category of impurity, clearly defined as a sin in God's word. Is it permissible to have so called crushes? I don't know the exact answer to that, but I know that it's not been beneficial to me. In my early teen years, I didn't realize quite the reality (and do I now!?) of marriage. How it does happen, and how there's going to be only one "I do" coming from my mouth in my lifetime (Lord willing, I'm not encompassing all possibilities here but you get the point). It's easy to mentally jump from one thing to the next, not necessarily having impure thoughts or even obsessing over any one person, but generally making a habit of it. It hasn't been beneficial to me. Maybe I'm making too big an issue of this here, but if you're thinking that this whole thing is a game until you get old enough to 'get serious', then you're in for a big surprise! I know I have friends who think it is a game, and I just hope they figure it out before it's really too late. The habits you form early on are going to stick with you. It might not be wrong, but it's going to make you vulnerable and you aren't going to like it. And trust me on this from personal experience :) Maybe I'm the exception and just happen to struggle with this, but if it's at all possible and I'm on to the right thing, I hope someone reads this and makes a change in the way they're thinking on this. In any case, it's out of my mind and on "paper." Maybe I said too much :p
So...anyhow, there's my big indepth (*roll eyes*) post for the week. I've got more on my mind, but I can't really explain it all, it'd take till next Tuesday night :p All in all, growing up is a very odd thing and parts of it I'd just as soon skip if it wouldn't take time.